groove.stitch.flow

Blog

  • Didn’t see that one coming

    So 2024 was a helluva year:

    • We bought a house! A beautiful old house with good bones that just needed a bit of love. It ticked all the boxes for us, and it’s in a suburb that we never thought we’d be able to afford to buy in
    • We made our first visit back to the U.S. since moving to Australia and spent some good quality time with family and friends
    • My partner started a new job that he loves
    • We completed key renovations and prepared to move out of our rental apartment and into our own house. Hell yeah!
    • I found a lump in my breast the day before we moved house

    Yeah. I’ve had a lump before, a few years prior, that turned out to be benign. But this time felt different. I had noticed some unexplained soreness in my armpit in the previous couple of weeks, and my mind calculated that [armpit soreness means lymph nodes]+ [lump in breast] = [could be cancer]. I couldn’t do anything about it in the moment with the final packing to do and the movers coming the next day. I had to set my fear and worry aside and just fucking get on with it. I went to see my GP first thing the following Monday and got it checked out. 

    The lump turned out to be breast cancer, and not just any old breast cancer. I was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC), a particularly aggressive and fast-growing type of breast cancer that is difficult to treat. Apparently, it has the lowest survival rate of all the types of breast cancer. However, there have been advances in treating TNBC in just the past five years that have significantly improved survival rates for this type of cancer. If I was going to get TNBC (and I did), I suppose that now wasn’t a bad time to get it.

    Scans indicated that it was locally advanced (breast and lymph nodes only), so stage 3. My treatment goal is therefore cure, as opposed to management. Within about a week and half of the diagnosis being confirmed, I started intensive chemotherapy. I’ve got a couple more sessions to go and then I’ll be done with chemo and onto getting ready for surgery. My doctors are happy with my treatment progress and they tell me I have a good chance of beating this and living many more years.

    I mentioned in my last post that I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but I do like to reflect on the past year and think about how I want to show up for the year ahead. I can tell you that having cancer was definitely not on my bingo card! Life really does throw shit at you that you just have to roll with. I don’t know how much time I have left on this beautiful ball of mud that we call home (really, none of us do) but whether it’s measured in months or years I know that as long as I am alive I want to live the best life that I can. Sending love to you all.

    Also: fuck cancer!!

  • New year intentions: finding the joy, embracing the fear, doubling down on creativity in 2024

    I’m not a person that does New Year’s resolutions, but I do like to reflect on the past year and set intentions for the coming year. This post is coming a bit later than I had planned, but sometimes shit happens and you just gotta roll with it 😀

    2023 was a really full-on year for us. It started with preparing for our big move from San Francisco, California to Melbourne, Australia, and all the things that came with it. In January, I gave notice at my job. We packed up our house in February. In March, we arrived in Melbourne and I started my new job. By June, we felt pretty settled both in terms of our home space and our jobs. We have reconnected with family and friends in Australia, and made new friends. We’ve now established ourselves in Australia and we’re building a life here.

    In 2024, I think that I am finally ready to emerge fully out of the protective cocoon I wrapped myself in the last few years during the pandemic. This is some scary shit, but I am ready for it. Table stakes for me include regular exercise, meditation, and journaling, three practices that have formed the foundation of good mental and physical health for me over the past eight years or so. It has been life-changing. As part of my new year reflection and intention setting, I’ve been thinking about how I can go next level with my practices. I’m going to focus on three areas: opening to all the joy I can find, making friends with my fears, and leaning hard into creativity.

    First, the joy. In my personal journal, I have included a gratitude list, and I feel like I do a pretty good job of incorporating gratitude into my life on the regular. If I’m being honest, though, the daily gratitude list could use a refresh. It almost feels like I should only be including BIG and IMPORTANT stuff on the list, but as a result it has started to become repetitive. Thinking about this sparked a memory of a podcast that I listened to not long ago that really inspired me in the moment. It was the Ten Percent Happier podcast episode with the poet Ross Gay, who wrote The Book of Delights and Inciting Joy. I think I’m naturally a cheerful person, but I do have a tendency to brood and sometimes to spiral. It has taken years of practice, but I now know that I can make a conscious choice to focus attention on things that make me happy and bring me joy, that lift me up rather than wallowing or spiraling on the things that bring me down or make me feel bad about myself (looking at you, Inner Critic). This month, I decided to try something new; I have been listing things that bring me joy. And you know what? I fucking love it. Give me all the joy!

    Next, my fears. I would like to find a way to more easily coexist with the fear and anxiety that seem to be my constant companions. I started meditating eight years ago to reduce my fear and anxiety, I guess thinking it was a way I could get rid of them? I’ve learned that meditation is not so much about getting rid of fear and anxiety but providing tools to help process these and other difficult emotions so that I don’t suffer so much. Let’s face it, fear and anxiety are normal parts of life. The trick is not to let them take over. I recognize that my fear and my anxiety will always be with me, but that doesn’t mean that I have to let them rule me. Joy and happiness and love are also always with me. I can choose how I flow. 

    So how can I make friends with my fears instead of letting them hold me back? I’ve decided to try running towards the things that scare me and embracing them instead of avoiding them. I will double down on my three core practices to help me do this, and it is already working. For example, I have been finding the past few weeks that I am having a lot more fun (and a lot less dread) at work. I attribute this to several things. One, I have been recognizing when my inner critic starts laying into me and have been able to shut it down with self-compassion and reality – thank you, mindfulness practice! Two, when I notice that I am feeling some strong emotion about something, I have started writing about it in the moment – in my personal journal, a blank email window or Word document on my laptop, a scrap of paper, whatever. Something about getting the words out of my head and down on paper (whether real or virtual) is just super helpful to me to stay grounded and rooted in reality and keep from spiraling into a place that holds me back. These small steps add up and makes it easier for me to find the courage to embrace my fears and step out of my comfort zone. And that, my friends, is so fun!

    Last but not least, creativity. I really want to put more focus into my creativity this year, especially sewing and making things in general. Last year I didn’t sew much until almost the end of the year, and when I did it felt great! I also found that it was easier to tap into my creativity when I set things up to help it flow. My partner and I spent a good chunk of our two-week holiday break on our creative hobbies and it just made us both so happy. I want to bring that energy into 2024 and make time to make things.

    I think I might be ready for this now. Let’s go 2024!

  • sewing advice and encouragement for myself

    1. Don’t be afraid of the full bust adjustment (FBA). It’s not actually that hard, and it will help me achieve great fit. Practice it, master it. Don’t forget to divide the total adjustment amount in half for the pattern piece adjustment (because the pattern piece is for half your body).
    2. Don’t be afraid of sewing knit fabrics. It’s actually not that hard. Just do it.
    3. Don’t sew when I’m tired or hungry. I will make mistakes.
    4. It’s okay to go slow. It’s not a contest.
    5. Good is good enough. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Seriously, no one is going to notice if it’s not perfect.

  • Christmas flow, 2023

    Christmas Day! Normally I start my day with a short meditation but this morning I got distracted and forgot to do it, which I realized when I was about two-thirds of the way through a 45-minute slow flow stretchy yoga. I then realized that the yoga itself was very meditative for me this morning. Like, I was being mindful and aware of what was happening from moment to moment:

    • I noticed how my body felt as I moved.
    • I noticed a bit of impatience to be done with the yoga at around the 23-minute mark and again a few minutes later, and laughed at myself for it.
    • I noticed myself thinking about work, feeling guilty about it, and reminding myself that it’s okay to have the thoughts and that I can let them go.
    • I noticed that I was having a hot flush at one point and that it lasted longer than usual.
    • I noticed my inner critic whispering to me that I suck, that everything I do is a waste of time, that I’ll never accomplish anything of any importance, and what’s the point of even trying?
    • I noticed myself starting to feel pretty bad about myself.

    And then I was like, Hang on. I actually don’t suck. What if I am enough just as I am? And that stopped my inner critic right in his tracks. That inner critic can be a real asshole sometimes. So I made a conscious decision not to believe the shitty and, frankly, demonstrably untrue things that my critical inner voice was telling me, and to stop beating myself up about it. I took a moment to take stock and realized that I wasn’t feeling bad about myself anymore. I am still amazed that this works. That I can notice and realize and nip that shit right in the bud. That’s when I realized, Yeah, actually – I am enough, just as I am. 

  • meet me where I am: thoughts on mental health

    World Mental Health Day was last week, on 10/10. I have some thoughts, but first I’ll relay two things that happened.

    The first thing happened last week on Monday, at the end of my work day. I had a call from a colleague of mine on the other side of the country. My colleague asked how I was. These days, I try not to reply back with an automatic, “Great!” I try to be mindful about how I’m actually feeling and express it in a real (yet still socially acceptable) way. So I paused to take stock of how I was in that moment, took a deep breath and let it out, and concluded, “I’m okay.” Because I was. “Just okay? Not ‘great’?” my colleague said. “No,” I said, with a smile to soften it, “Not great. But I am okay.”

    “Why not ‘great’? What’s going on?” my colleague pressed. “Your energy level seems low. What I can do to help you bring it up?” Which surprised me and, if I’m honest, annoyed me more than I would like to admit. But I knew that this concern was coming from a good place, so I gently explained that (1) it’s okay to be “just okay”. It’s not a bad thing. I don’t need to be “great” all the time; and (2) they were three time zones behind me and had called me at the end of my work day after I had been on back to back calls for close to four hours, which I personally find quite draining. I didn’t think having a low energy level at that moment was cause for concern. “I really am okay,” I said. My colleague backed off and we moved onto other things.

    Two days later, I was on a call with another colleague. This colleague asked how I was, and again I paused to take stock and I concluded that I was okay. “That’s all?” my colleague said, as if there needed to be something more. “Well,” I said slowly, thinking about my mile-long To Do list and my deadlines that week, “there’s a lot going on and I’m a little stressed right now, but I’m okay.” My colleague immediately started trying to solve my “problem”. “What are you stressed about? What’s going on? How can I help to reduce your stress?” I almost felt like I was being given the third degree. Again, I know that this concern was coming from a good place, but I just didn’t feel the need to get into all the little details of the myriad things on my mind. I explained that it was just normal, run of the mill stress, that I didn’t feel overwhelmed, and that I didn’t need help getting to a “better” place. I genuinely felt okay with where I was in that moment.

    Don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful to work with terrific colleagues who care about mental health and who are willing to offer support. However, this relentless focus on constant positivity being the ultimate ideal of mental health that we should all be striving for is misguided at best. I told two people at work last week that I was okay, and their immediate reaction was to try to help me be better than “just okay”. Let me just state this for myself and whoever else needs to hear it: It’s okay to be “just okay”. I don’t have to be “great!” or “awesome!” all the time. Just being me and existing with the feelings that I’m feeling – that is enough. We all have the right to be out here and feel what we feel.

    There are people who are genuinely not okay and are in a very bad place. They may need more support to help them to get to a healthier and safer place, but they still have the right to feel the way that they do. I know, because I’ve been there. I’ve had some dark moments and it’s possible that I’ll be there again sometime in the future. In the early 2000s, I went through probably the worst year of my life for my mental health, until the global COVID-19 pandemic happened. It took a lot of work for me to get back to a healthy place for myself, mentally. Those lessons came forward with me and helped me recover when my mental health took a nosedive during the pandemic. I don’t feel like I’m depressed now, but I have recently realized that I am still struggling a little bit with the tail end of the burnout that I experienced during the pandemic. I’m getting through the difficult days with love and compassion and kindness for myself and simple gratitude that I’m still here and that I’m still in it.

    Rather than pressure people into being “great!” and positive all the time, I’d like to suggest this: Try meeting people where they are. Be with them, even when it does not feel comfortable. We don’t always need rescuing; sometimes we just need someone to be with us. Meet me where I am, and I’ll do the same for you. 

  • my punk rock summer pj’s

    In an earlier post, I mentioned my punk rock summer pj’s and how much I love them. In fact, they’re my favorite pajamas of all time. It’s not just that I love the classic style of this particular pattern, with the collared button-up top, the pockets, and the contrast piping. It’s also not just that I made them myself, to my exact measurements and specifications, with my own two hands. Not even that they look so fucking cool. It’s that they are so darn comfortable!

    It all started a little over a year ago. We were living in the San Francisco Bay Area and it was summertime. I had bought the fabric almost on a whim. I don’t normally go for animal prints but something about this fabric just looked so punk. I had also never worked with cotton double gauze and I was keen to give it a go. I knew immediately what I would make: a punk rock summer pajama set. Yeah!

    The pattern, as mentioned in the previous post, is the Carolyn pajamas by Closet Core Patterns. The punk rock pj’s were actually my third set of Carolyn pajamas. I love the classic look of this pattern. (I still dream of splurging and making myself a set out of a beautiful, luxurious silk charmeuse. One day…) The first set I made were summer pj’s (by which I mean short sleeve top and shorts, lightweight fabric) and the second set were winter pajamas (i.e., long sleeve top and pants, flannel). I used a cheerful lemon yellow cotton voile for that first summer set, and a warm and cozy aqua colored flannel with a snowflake print for the winter ones. My original plan was to make another summer set with the leopard print cotton double gauze and another winter set out out of plaid flannel. I didn’t have quite enough of the flannel to make it work, so I just made the summer pj’s.

    For the first two Carolyn pajama sets I made, I used the paper pattern in the original 0-20 size range. By the time I made my punk rock summer pj’s, Closet Core had released a pdf version in extended size range 14-32. My measurements fall in the overlap between the two ranges, and I probably could have stayed with the 0-20 range and it would have been fine. However, being somewhat voluptuous, I was curious what the difference in fit would be. I decided to go ahead and give the 14-32 range a try. According to the Closet Core website, this range caters to more of a pear shape. I’m hourglass rather than pear-shaped and I have found that curvy/plus size patterns seem to work best for me on top for my boobs, while straight size patterns work fine for me on the bottom. I went back and forth over whether to take in the top a bit at the waist and hips or whether to just leave it because they’re fucking pajamas and who cares if they’re a little bit oversized – they are supposed to be comfy!! 😂

    I made a muslin to assess the fit – problem solved. I was afraid that the top would be a bit tent-like, but you know what? It wasn’t. The fit is slightly oversized but that’s how I want it to fit. That being said, I did make a few adjustments:

    • The collar stood out farther from my neck than I like. I took it in by an inch. (I had thought about putting a small box pleat on the back piece at the collar seam but decided against it. It would have been such a tiny pleat; I think it would be better for it to be a big pleat if there was going to be a pleat.)
    • The bust dart was too high. My bust apex is lower when I’m not wearing a bra. I didn’t want to lower the dart though, I thought I’d rotate it instead. Then, when I researched it, I discovered that rotating a dart means rotating it from the apex point and not from the legs, as I had been thinking. Anyway, I moved the apex down by an inch or so. 
    • I raised the armscye just a smidge for a bit more mobility / ease of movement; I move around and my arms are all over the place when I sleep. A half inch did the trick.
    • I actually liked the length on this so I didn’t shorten it, like I did for the previous two sets.
    • There was bit of puffiness at the lower back area, and I thought about doing a swayback adjustment. However, the back is one piece cut on the fold, not two pieces, so a swayback adjustment would mess that up. I looked at it again and honestly? The slight puff at the back was fine. They’re pj’s; I don’t need them to be super fitted. I like the loose comfy fit; it feels cozy to me.

    All in all, this was a satisfying sew. I generally took my time but I did mess up the hem slightly at the center front where it joins the facing, which resulted in a hemline that is just a smidge too short at the center front and looks a just little bit too long just on either side of the center front – oops! I don’t think most people would notice unless I pointed it out to them, though (so I won’t 😜).

    This was my first make using cotton double gauze but it definitely won’t be my last. It was so easy to sew and is so comfortable to wear; these pajamas feel soft and nice against my skin. I was concerned that maybe I would feel too warm as the double gauze, while light, is thicker than the cotton voile I used for my first set of summer pj’s. I felt cool enough, did not overheat, and was comfortable all night. I’ve also worn these pj’s in the fall, and to my surprise they also keep me cozy when the weather is a bit cool. They’re just perfect.

    The basics in summary:

    • Pattern: Carolyn pajamas by Closet Core Patterns, View C (short sleeve top and shorts)
    • Size: Top, size 16 from the 14-32 range; bottoms, size 18 from the 0-20 range
    • Fabric: Leopard print double gauze from Stonemountain & Daughter
    • Notions: Berry pink piping and buttons from my button jar
    • Project Start/Finish Dates: Started on 3 July 2022 with assembling the pattern. Finished 13 August 2022 with the buttons.

  • finding purpose

    I sometimes see articles that talk about “finding your purpose”. I’ve always wondered: what does that actually mean? When I was younger, I had this idea that one’s purpose in life had to be this high and noble thing, like a quest or finding the cure for cancer or something like that. I can’t recall ever feeling like I had a purpose in life when I was coming up. I was just here and trying to find my way through, just like everyone else. But then, around 11 years ago when my partner and I fell in love, I had an epiphany. Can a purpose be as simple as loving someone? It may be mundane but that doesn’t make it any less worthy; it is a beautiful and joyful purpose. I think it counts. The simplicity of it also made me realize that having a purpose isn’t reserved for people who meet certain criteria. It’s for everyone! And it’s very personal. There are no rules around what one’s purpose, or purposes (because yes, you can have more than one) should be. 

    Fast forward several years. My partner and I are on vacation in Bali, staying with friends who were living there at the time. I had been feeling burnt out at work and was thoroughly enjoying our vacation. We are floating in the pool and looking up at the sky, talking and daydreaming. The cost of living in Bali is so low… what if we took a leave of absence from work and we rented a place in Bali and lived here for like six months? How awesome would that be? We could relax and recharge, I muse. You could work on your music, and I could write my book. Your book? says my partner, surprised. You’ve never said anything about writing a book before.

    It’s true, I’d never said anything about writing a book before. To the best of my recollection, I had never even had the conscious thought that I wanted to write a book. It just came bubbling up from my subconscious in that relaxed moment. But once I said it out loud, I realized that it was true – I would like to write a book. Only I have no idea (yet) what I want to write about.

    Spoiler: We did not, in fact, end up taking a leave of absence from our jobs and moving to Bali, although that would have been amazing. I did not write a book either, although I still might. We’ll see.

    Fast forward a few more years to early 2020. We are living in the San Francisco Bay Area and the COVID-19 pandemic has just started. We are a couple of weeks into lockdown and there’s no end in sight. I am able to work from home but my partner can’t and is on furlough. There are long lines at the grocery store and shortages of all kinds of products, including, weirdly, toilet paper, as well as N95 masks. Some places are selling cloth masks, but I decide to make my own. We’ve got some old t-shirts, scissors, and a couple of little travel sewing kits with needle and thread. My partner decides to help, so we spend one Saturday afternoon making masks with our bare hands. Like, literally – we don’t have any thimbles in the house. Our hands were so sore the next day!

    One month later, I bought my first sewing machine and taught myself how to sew and began making clothes for myself. During the pandemic, sewing became an important creative outlet for me and a way to practice self-care during a very difficult time in our lives.

    Fast forward one more time, to the present. I think about death sometimes. Not in a morbid way, but rather the fact that each of us will die someday and that for the most part we don’t know when it will happen. I think about my dad dying suddenly at the age of 64. I think about one of my dear friends from high school dying at the age of 49 in a drowning accident while camping a couple of summers ago. I think about another high school friend dying in a car accident a year ago. And so on. Each time I hear news of the death of someone in my orbit, I am reminded that each day is a gift. I think about how, even though I’ve lived a full and interesting life so far, I’m nowhere near ready to go because there are so many things I still want to do with my life. Like traveling and experiencing the world with my partner. Writing my book. Not to mention all the things that I want to make. Isn’t that funny? I’m not ready to die yet because I haven’t finished all of the sewing projects on my list. Lol. I think of all the things that I want to create. Is that a purpose? I think so.

  • “delight and joy”

    I am ironing fabric that I washed yesterday in preparation for a new sewing project. I’m listening to a podcast about delight and joy, and it got me to thinking. I used to hate ironing, but ever since I started sewing my own clothes, I’ve found a certain sense of satisfaction in ironing my me-mades. It’s as if I am caring for the things that I make for myself. It still feels like a chore, but I don’t hate it. It’s a labor of love – for myself.

    I am finding myself smiling to myself as I press out the wrinkles, preparing my fabric for cutting and then sewing into a garment. As I move the iron with one hand, I’m smoothing the fabric with my other hand, feeling the residual warmth of the iron where it has passed, feeling the texture of the fabric, just enjoying the feel of the it under my hand. It’s nice.

  • packing for a trip with a lot of me-mades!

    I am just at the tail end of a trip to the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. (I came up for a couple of weeks to help out a close friend who is recovering from surgery. We spent a few days in Brisbane last week, him in the hospital and me at a hotel. I arranged to work from my company’s Brisbane office until he was discharged a couple of days after the operation, then I drove him back home to Sunshine Coast. He is recovering well; had his post-op appointment today and has a clean bill of health.)

    Anyway, it occurred to me this morning that I had packed quite a few me-mades, and have been wearing something me-made every day on this trip so far. The list includes:

    • A pair of the Pietra pants, Closet Core Patterns. I made the wide leg cropped view in black twill. 
    • A pair of Pietra shorts, Closet Core Patterns. I used the same black twill for the shorts as I did for the pants.
    • A pair of Lander pants, True Bias. I made the full-length version in a cream twill, with a button fly that uses light brown buttons harvested from an old blazer.
    • A set of Carolyn pajamas, Closet Core Patterns. I call them my punk rock summer pjs – short sleeves/short pants version, made with blue leopard print double gauze on a cream background with hot pink piping. Fuck yeah. These are my favorite pajamas of all time. They are incredibly comfortable and keep me cool in summer and cozy in the spring/fall. I only want to wear double gauze for my pjs now.
    • The Sienna maker jacket, Closet Core Patterns. I made the cropped version using a thick cotton fabric with kind of a loose weave, the color of split pea soup.

    The RTW items that I packed:

    • A dress from Banana Republic. I wore this once during this trip, to the office in Brisbane.
    • A skirt upcycled from a dress that I bought a million years ago from a Calvin Klein outlet store in Northern California, pre-pandemic. I wore this twice to the office last week.
    • Three tops, worn both to the office and while working remotely from my friend’s house; also worn on the weekend.
    • Various and sundry bras, undies, and socks.
    • A swimsuit.
    • A Patagonia Better Sweater jacket.
    • Exercise clothes.
    • A hat.

    I thought about including pictures of myself wearing each of the me-mades for this post, but honestly I’ve had a pretty full-on day at work and I just can’t face the idea of putting each thing on / taking it off and snapping a photo of myself wearing it. I feel exhausted just thinking about it. I’m sure I’ll do better as the blog goes along. Besides, except for the pj’s, I made each of the me-mades during the COVID-19 pandemic, after I had put on a bit of weight. Since then I’ve lost most of my pandemic weight gain and the pants are all too baggy on me now. I really need to alter everything to fit better, but I haven’t prioritized alterations. I’ve had a lot going on during the past, oh, nearly one year. I refuse to beat myself up about it. 😀

    Okay, one photo: A progress shot of the punk rock summer pj’s from July 2022. They were done except for the buttons and buttonholes, which I did later.

  • just start.

    “Just start,” the little voice whispered.

    “Just start?” I repeated, astonished.

    “Yeah. Start. You can learn as you go.”

    I recognized the voice immediately. It was the voice that normally tries to talk me out of stuff, the one that tells me what an awful person I am whenever I mess up, the one that criticizes me mercilessly and, frankly, is a kind of an asshole. That voice, my inner critic, was… encouraging me to get over myself and (finally) start this blog?

    I shrugged. “Okay. Here I go.”